9,308 Days: Entry 4

3/4/26 - Ready for bed.

Dear God,

The house visits are slowly stopping now. The questions of “how are you really doing?” have grown quieter. I can almost feel the unspoken thought in the room sometimes, that I should be doing a lot better by now. There are moments in the middle of normal conversations where I feel like I might fall apart, like the weight of everything might suddenly spill out. But I hold it in because I know people don’t always know what to do with that kind of pain. They don’t know how to handle it. So the biggest thing in the room often goes unspoken, grief.

Grief comes and goes like waves. Sometimes it is quiet and distant, and other times it rises without warning. Even when I feel it coming, I try to push it down and act like everything is okay. I try to keep moving forward because life must go on. But if I’m honest, sometimes life feels like it is missing something. It feels like it is missing joy.

And Lord, I find myself longing for that again, the simple joy of life.

Recently I asked someone who has walked through a loss like this if joy ever truly comes back. I needed to know. They told me that eventually it does. They said joy doesn’t return all at once or overnight. It comes slowly, little by little. Sometimes it surprises you. One day you find yourself smiling at a memory that used to hurt, and instead of pain it brings peace. That thought stayed with me. They also said something else that touched my heart, that joy in the middle of grief is realizing we are not alone in the process, and that over time pain can slowly turn into gratitude towards God.

It made me think about the Psalms. David walked through so many dark and heavy moments, yet he still prayed, “Restore to me the joy of Your salvation.” And Lord, that has quietly become my prayer too.

Restore to me joy.

Not the kind of joy that depends on circumstances, people, or distractions, but the kind that comes from You. The kind that fills the empty places in a way nothing else can. The kind that lasts. I’ve been wondering how to even begin looking for joy again. Tonight at church, when I heard the song “Vuelvo a Casa,” something in my heart paused. The words about returning to the house of my Father who loves me and calls me felt like a gentle reminder. Joy isn’t something I have to chase everywhere else. Real joy is found at home with You.

So in the middle of this grief, I’m asking You for help. When my heart starts to wander and look for comfort or joy in places that won’t truly satisfy, please remind me where my home is. Remind me that true joy is found in You.

Even if it comes slowly.

Even if it comes in small moments.

Even if it surprises me one day when I least expect it.

I trust that joy will come again, because You are still with me.

Your daughter,

Melissa.