9,308 Days: Entry 5

3/20/26 - lol its been awhile.

Dear God,

Can I be honest with You? I feel like I’m at my limit. I don’t know how much more I can take. It feels like it’s one thing after another, and I’m trying to stay strong through it all. I know one thing I carry from my father is the ability to keep moving forward even while bleeding. He taught me to keep going no matter what, and I’ve held onto that. But the truth is, trying to stand strong while everything feels like it’s falling apart is not easy.

I keep thinking that the life I planned wasn’t supposed to look like this. And I find myself wrestling with questions. Why did You allow this? Why did You choose me for this? I know those thoughts sound selfish, like I’m questioning Your care, but I’m just being real with You. I need something. A sign, reassurance, or anything that shows me that all of this is going somewhere. That in the end it will be worth it.

You see me. You see that I’m still serving, still being faithful, still loving You and loving people, still pushing forward the vision You gave. But God, it all feels overwhelming right now. Even though giving up isn’t an option for me and never has been, I can’t ignore how tired I feel. My heart feels heavy, my strength feels low, and my mind feels scattered. In the middle of all of this, I just need to know I’m moving in the right direction and that this isn’t in vain.

In moments like this, I know it would be easy to become a victim, but that’s not who I am. That’s not who You created me to be. Even when I feel like running away, I remember that running away wasn’t an option for You. You gave Your Son without hesitation. Jesus had every reason to quit, yet He endured. He suffered, but He suffered well. He faced death and overcame it. And that is my portion too. I may feel like I’m facing death in different ways, but I will overcome.

If I’m honest, it feels like You’re teaching me so many things all at once, but I trust that there is something I need to learn in all of this. Help me not to miss it.

I also want to guard my heart, God, because I don’t want pain to turn into blame or wounds to spill onto people. I’m learning that I cannot bleed on others just because I’m hurting. I’m learning that everyone is fighting their own battles, trying to figure life out just like I am. So teach me how to extend grace, even when it’s hard. Teach me to keep loving anyway.

Please don’t let my heart grow cold. Don’t let disappointment turn into bitterness. Keep my heart soft, even when it’s been stretched, even when it’s been hurt, even when it feels easier to shut down than to stay open.

Your Word reminds me that love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things, and right now I’m holding onto that with everything I have. Because if I’m going to make it through this season, it’s going to be through love. Even when it asks more of me than I think I have to give, I know it’s necessary. I’m learning that love isn’t always what I expected it to look like, that sometimes it comes as a yes and sometimes it comes as a no, but both provide the opportunity for growth.

Father, teach me how to love like You love. Not conditionally, not when it’s easy, but fully, deeply, and without holding back. Teach me how to love in a way that reflects Your heart, even when mine feels tired. Let love be what carries me, what steadies me, and what keeps me grounded through all of this.

I’m still holding on,

Your daughter,

Melissa.