9,308 Days: Entry 1

1/28/26 - At home

Dear God,

Every time I try to find the words within myself, nothing comes out. I’m holding so many mixed emotions. Deep sadness while trying to stay positive. Feelings of not wanting to do this anymore, yet knowing I have no choice but to keep moving forward. I’m trying to find a healthy way to grieve without falling apart in the middle of the day.

The reality of having someone there every single day and then suddenly having them gone is such a hard thing to understand. I hate that I now have to figure out life without the person who meant so much to me. It doesn’t make sense. I’m trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I won’t see him come home again. I won’t see him make an entire room laugh again. I won’t hear him preach his heart out again. I won’t be able to tell him “I love you.” again. My heart aches from the memories my mind keeps replaying back. And that’s all I have left now, memories of my father who is no longer here. I know one day things will get better, but right now, I really don’t want to live this.

God, You know I did not ask for this. I never imagined this would be part of my journey, though I suppose no one ever does. Even now, it still feels unreal. This is truly what life looks like in this moment. I am still trying to understand why You took him. If I am honest, it did not feel like it was his time to go. To me, there were so many reasons for him to stay, so many things left undone, so much life still ahead. And yet, who am I to decide what should be and what should not?

Your Word reminds me, “You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand. My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; at best, each of us is but a breath.” (Psalm 39:5)

With all the questions I carry, this truth is what I am left holding. Life is only a breath. We are not promised tomorrow, and we do not choose the day we leave this earth. In the midst of everything, I am learning that You are still sovereign. I was not there when You created the heavens and the earth. I was not there when You placed each star in the sky or gave wings to every bird. I was not there when You spoke light into existence, yet somehow, that same light now lives within me.

In the quiet of my grief, one truth continues to rise above the pain: Your love has not changed. What I lost did not mean that You withdrew Your love from me. Instead, I am learning to see it more deeply in this season. You are reminding me that You are still here, closer than ever before. Even when I feel distant from everything and everyone, You gently whisper that I am not alone.

There are moments when I want to stay hidden in the depth of my sorrow, to remain in the quiet of it all. But hope keeps reaching for me, reminding me I will stand tall, and this is not the end at all.There is still more ahead, more life yet to come, and even here, in the waiting and the hurting, You are walking with me.

Still learning, still trusting,

Your daughter, Melissa.