9,308 Days: Entry 3

2/15/26 - At my favorite place - la casa.

Dear God,

I’m grateful that the depressive mood has lifted, but I’m realizing that what’s keeping me from feeling sad is that I’ve been avoiding the thoughts of my father. I can talk about him, but I avoid thinking about him not being here. I can’t even say a simple hello to him in my thoughts. I avoid the feeling of missing him because I don’t want to spiral. I’ve learned that avoidance has become a coping mechanism for me, but I know I can only avoid so much before it becomes overwhelming.

Friday morning, it hit me hard. As I’m on this kick of being a gym girly and trying to eat right, I was eating my burnt wheat toast and staring at the couch, remembering him sitting there. I remembered the conversation about how my mom wanted new couches and he said no, for what, so the kids can mess them up again (lol). It’s those simple memories that bring crashing waves of emotion. Tears started rolling down my face as I ate my burnt toast. But I told myself I had to get it together quickly. There was no time for me to crash out. Even now, thinking about it, I don’t think we should get new couches yet.

God, I miss him so much.

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day, and I spent the entire day avoiding thoughts of my father again. I stayed up until 2 a.m., missing him and craving that love and attention from him. I had to keep telling myself not to do anything stupid to try to fill the void of my grief. I told myself to just go to bed because there is nothing I can do to fill that space.

Waking up today, I remembered that Friday morning I read John 11, the story of Lazarus. Honestly, I had been avoiding that chapter because the miracle I expected in my own life did not happen. But I know You were pushing me to read it anyway.

The verse that stood out to me was John 11:25–26.

“Jesus said to her, ‘I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live. And whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die. Do you believe this?’”

That hit my spirit like a semi-truck at full speed. Through Your grace, mercy, and patience with me, You reminded me that my father does live. He is living with You, in Your presence. Even though I miss him deeply and the memories can be overwhelming at times, You spoke a promise that whoever dies believing in You shall live. I know he is better off with You, and I thank You for that sweet reminder.

Teach me the right way to heal through this, Lord, because sometimes I feel like I am ready to crash out and I have impulsive thoughts to do the dumbest things. But I thank You for the truth of Your Word that keeps me grounded and in check.

Please help me and my family. Give us the strength to keep going and to hold on to hope. Your Word says that this hope we have is an anchor for our souls. You keep us secure in Your hands. I believe You are the guardian of our future.

Trusting You one day at a time,

Your daughter,

Melissa